The feeling of sadness in my soul is unmissable today. Maybe it's the comedown from fun filled weekend; maybe today I see things I refused to accept yesterday. I fell for him. Unapologetically, unconditionally, irrevocably fell for him with every hug, every touch, every sight of his beautiful smile. I know my heart likes to run away with wild feelings but this time I couldn't stop it. My friends were happy but I could tell the sight of worry in their eyes. I couldn't sleep, eat or even feel calm for more than a minute. This surreal high was exhausting and so intoxicating. He was my human valium that brought me peace and the calm I craved so much.
But I'm not what he wants... this heartbreaking realization crushes me. I told him I had feelings for him and that I couldn't be just friends with him. He said that he needs more time to really get to know someone. I still don't know if he said that because it was the truth, or because he didn't want to lose my friendship. I'll probably never know. My worst fear came true: the more he'll know me the less he'll like me. All the negativity comes back at once. The thought of not being good enough surfaces in my teary eyes. I know he wasn't perfect or flawless but something happened to me every time I saw him smile. In my dark moments I ask myself "who could ever love this?" I know my borderline personality disorder makes me feel everything so deeply. I fell for him deeply and he broke my heart deeply. Everything involving feelings is so difficult. So tonight I'll drink some wine, maybe cry a little, and accept the pain I feel.
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