It's been tough few months. My mood is so down, my drinking is up and saving money is non existent. I honestly wonder where the bottom really is because it surely feels like I'm there. My doctors have been, as always, useless. Every time I got to my GP I have to pay around 55 euros which adds up pretty quickly when I keep going back every week because instead of improving, I'm doing worse and worse. I have no idea how to speak to my doctor so she'll understand how serious the situation is. I'm so afraid of loosing my job and being without income. It terrifies me yet I'm still too sick to work. I've been maybe 4 days to work in the past three weeks. I've got sick days and my manager is somewhat understanding - but still I'm filled with anxiety.
After being assessed by the psychiatrist last week, I asked him "What do I do now? No medication to help, no ECT, no nothing. How do I get thru my day at work when I can't even get up?" "Time for vacation" - he said. My jaw dropped to the floor at his ignorance. I will go into more detailed of that whole experience in another post - trust me I have a lot to say.
I am left alone to deal with my severe depression. The ten minutes my GP spends listening to me talking with tears in my eyes, only to say "You have to give the medication time to work". I've been on antidepressants for weeks now with increased dose yet I feel no relief. The psychiatrist, after an hour of history talking, offered only a referral to another service. Despite my resent and repetitive self harm and suicidal thoughts and history, I get the all too familiar attitude from every medical professional of "it's not my problem".
I have severe trouble focusing and staying awake during the day yet according to them no help exists for me. I tell them that I need two glasses of wine to feel the tightness in my chest disappear even if for an hour yet no one even suggest anti anxiety medication. I say that I can't fall asleep without Benedryl and no one thinks it's strange. I am just speechless at the level of ignorance and lack of care I have encountered in psychiatric services. There is no help for someone like me. I've experienced anxiety and depression since my mid teens yet received no help for it until I was in my mid 20's when I was prescribed my first antidepressant. I was fighting the need for pills for years lying to myself and everyone else around me that things weren't that bad. After nearly 20 years I have come to terms with my illness and limitation of my mental health only to be denied help, treatment, or medication. I am well aware of the fact that medication will not solve my BPD problems and that there is no magic cure for my depression. But I am so angry when I present my doctors with a specific symptom and well documented research of effectively dealing with that symptom - and they won't listen to me and leave me HELPLESS.
So I pay my consultation fee. I go home. I cry because I reached out for help only to be ignored. I drink some more wine so I can feel the air filling up my lungs. And sometimes I slash my wrists because... well that's a more complicated story. It takes such courage to stand up and say "I'm not OK", "I need you to help me". But they never do.
Bình luận