Christmas is fast approach with it, the seasonal set of problems. People tend to be split on the subject and feelings very from warm, loved up feelings to absolute hatred. I just feel sad. Every year this season makes another year passing and another set of unfulfilled goals and wishes. Just thinking about it pushes tears into my eyes.
I have been single for longer than I can remember. In fact, only once in my life I had a boyfriend over Christmas period. Every year people wish me to find someone to spend my life with. Every year even I wish to find someone. And every year I fail. I make the same wish at midnight on New Year’s Eve and later in January, on my birthday weather I have birthday candles to blow out or not. But wishing is for little children. Another year passes and I wasn’t even on one date.
I watch my nieces and nephews grow up, see people celebrating marriage anniversaries, get divorced, remarried, and I stay exactly the same: alone. We can make endless arguments why being single is great and how relationships are hard work but can you argue for a lonely life?
I’ve never been on a holiday with a partner, never had a date for a family wedding or other event, never had anyone take care of me when I’m too sick with the flu to even make some soup. I don’t know what it’s like to feel that someone knows the worst parts of me and still sees the best in me, still loves me.
It’s not hard to believe that I feel pain while others feel Christmas joy. Co-workers are shopping for their kids and partners, looking for best presents – just that something that will put a great smile on their face. They plan their Christmas dinner, inviting family and planning wonderful time. I have to choose between being alone or with people who act like the violence and emotional abuse of the past never happened.
Any other time of the year, I can put on a brave face and act like it really doesn’t matter. But at Christmas I feel powerless against the feelings of loneliness and insignificance. All I really want is to feel loved and wanted on Christmas. Maybe I’m just incapable of such miracles.
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