If only I could focus… This is the reoccurring thought in my mind. I have such a great mind, full of ideas and goals. I create so many plans in my head but never have mental or physical energy to make them a reality. So I fall into this cycle of dreaming, disappointing, swearing never again, mental boredom and back to dreaming. It’s been like that for years. It’s just another reason to hate myself at this point.
It’s getting harder and harder to dream. I feel like I’m deceiving myself over and over. But I know – if I could only follow up on my plans, some of them would be a wonderful change to my life. I’m impulsive and extremely emotionally unstable. One minute I’m fine and the next I abandon my evening plans because feeling of emotional despair came over me like an avalanche. How can I follow through on any of my dreams when this keeps happening on a daily basis? On a good day, I might be able to talk myself through the emotional distress and keep going. On a bad day, I have no strength to do so and fall under my own spell.
The worst part is that I have look in the mirror the next day and live with yet another disappointment in myself. And on top of that try to be happy and optimistic because, you know “a negative mind will never give you a positive result”. It’s an endless cycle of disappointment, self-hatred and most hurtful of all – loneliness.
I feel that I don’t deserve anyone to share my life with, yet I want and crave it. I feel that such good person who would ever want to be with me, deserves so much better. But I know that I have so much to give and can’t help but wonder how my emotional state would look if I could crash into the arms of my partner when I felt my world crash around me. It’s just another unfulfilled wish. I’m 33 and I sleep in a single bed.
Focus and follow through are my biggest weakness and the self-hatred that follows is only feeding my darkness and depression. When will this end? When will I be able to achieve something? When will I not screw myself over?
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