Physically and emotionally, mentally and spiritually, in every possible way: I'm exhausted. I have no idea what to do with my life and have no reason to wake up in the morning. I distract myself with TV shows watching or re watch entire season one after another for hours to avoid, at all costs, thinking about me. The moment I do think about myself and my life, I want to kill myself, and that scares me.
Being 30 years old and having nothing to my name, no partner, no children, no home, no career, makes me question everything. Maybe I'm suppose to die like this. Maybe my role in this life is just to be a lesson or a warning sign to others. Needless to say, I'm lost.
I wish something good would happen. Someone to pull me out of this nightmare and give me a reason to breath. But that's not very likely. Men have never chased me, nor did women wanted a deep and meaningful friendship with me. I know there is no warmth radiating from me so years ago I tried changing, I smiled a lot, kept only fun and positive thought my head, I tried being really open and approachable. And guess what, no amount of smiles could change the number of phone numbers in my phone book.
I am here, in this world, in this universe but all I feel is unwanted by it all. And life without people is just not worth it.
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