The future scares me. I want it but I'm afraid to mess it up again. It's been over two years since I worked and it has been only couple of months since I've been feeling like a normal person. My depression is in remission and thoughts of darkness and suicide are only a memory of my former self. I no longer cry everyday and my hope is more then the previous 1%. So things are looking better.
I know I have to go back to work, start relying on myself and only myself. I need to start making money and build my life back up again. I know I need a solid foundation with continues recovery technique because it could all fall back down, again. I want my own income, my own place to call home, my own life. And wanting all those things is an enormous step forward.
But before I can start my new life I will have to kill my old one by declaring bankruptcy, probably. There were bills left unpaid, bank accounts left overdrawn, and rent owned. I was going to be dead and didn't have two cents to my name so non of those things really mattered. This is what happens when you're on your own, and have no partner to help you even if all they can do is to hold your hand and help you face the downfall. All this terrifies me. And what's worse, the negative left over will tarnish my future making it harder to build a new, better life. I am afraid that I will start to rebuild but won't be able to get a job or find a place to live because of my past. I'm afraid that it will all become too much for someone who's recovering from darkest corners of hell and I will collapse under the my dreams.
I know this is all on me. No one can or will hold my hand through all this. No one will give me support to keep going when hope will be a scares luxury. All this would be very difficult for a emotionally healthy person but for someone with BPD it's a living nightmare. I've always ran away from nightmares but this is I want to face. I need to find strength to face it or fake it - just make it through to the other side.
Dear Universe,
Please give me strength to overcome all that I used to run from. Give me the stubbornness to always believe that obstacles are something to be conquered and not be conquered by. Show me the light when my eyes are covered in tears and I'm feeling small and helpless. And whatever happens - don't let me give up.
Sincerely grateful,
Sky
Only time will tell if all this work was towards something or just delaying the inevitable. What good is all that knowledge and wisdom if I can't live a life and to enjoy it?
Please keep me in your thought as I will need all the positive energy the universe can give me.
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