Stay in the moment

Stay in the moment... stay in the moment.... stay in right now. I say that to myself over and over. I can feel my feelings running away into the dark and unchanging future and dragging me with them into the familiar abyss.

Stay in the now!

I woke up sad today, in my top bunk, alone. I never though I would be 31 and living in a hostel with five other people. The white ceiling above provides little comfort, only to stretch my legs on it after another exhausting day on minimum wage. I listen to a sad song Beautiful War by Kings of Leon on repeat for good two hours. It has hypnotizing bass line and beautiful lyrics matching my lost mood. I want to stretch on the bedroom floor and listen to it over and over until I fall asleep or cry. Nothing ever changes.

But here I am, serving steak to strangers with a fake smile. I am hoping so deeply midnight will come quickly or someone will flip my upside down smile. Nothing ever changes.

I got another rejection email from recruiting agency stating they have "no roles at the moment", of course I read that as "no roles for me". Last week, from a different one, stating that 'things should pick up next week". It's the same story since I arrived here: no one wants me. But who am I kidding? It's unlikely I'll pass any credit or reference check should someone offer me a position. It took me four years to build a great life and only few months to destroy it irreversably. Nothing ever changes.

The future feels dark and unwanted today. Staying in the now is painful. The smooth jazz in the air feels like sharp razor on my skin. I wanna sit down on the dirty bar floor and cry as if I realized just now, that nothing will ever change.