I see things in pictures. I see a week as a circle stretched long over Saturday and Sunday. I see a year as a even bigger circle with colors changing with the seasons. And I see life as a stained glass window. A beautiful giant work of art. And everyone's life could be represents as such, from birth and childhood through teenage years and adulthood. I choose to see it as a stained glass window because it looks different every day. On a sunny day the colors are bright and vivid, on a rainy day there is barely any difference between shades of gray, And lets not forget the cracks. Oh yes, this giant piece of stained glass art has many cracks and imperfections.
I know that on my sad and desperate days my mind zooms in on those cracks. All I can see are imprecations and flaws in me. I forget about the beautiful shade of rainbow in so many other places and remember only how broken I am. Those are the moments i want to finish my life. Those are the moments I cut my skin till the blood staines my sheets. My mind only sees what it wants to - flaws and cracks in who I was supposed to be.
I know this may never change but just knowing that there is a bigger picture - sometimes helps me to remember to zoom out and remember other things, other shades of the rainbow in my stained glass window of a life.
Sadly I still self harm and think sometimes a suicide is the only thing that would help me or free me from this hell. I'm not perfect, I'm not recovered. I still have a broken mind and even more broken heart. But for now, just until I can get better, I use my mind to remember - there is more to me than cracks in the broken glass. And you should too.
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