It's been a struggle for the last few months. I've felt my darkness returning more often than not. My interests faded, drinking became a habit and social situation another inconvenience. My depression reached a familiar low and severity at the same time. I've missed work and found focusing or accomplishing anything a constant challenge. I am drowning again. Trying my best to keep my head above the water without any permanent damage. I am failing again.
I decided to go back on antidepressants hoping I'll get some relief. So far I haven't felt any. My emotions are intense, violently raging thought my head every minute I'm awake. Most days I feel like failure, struggling to do anything after work but drink cheap wine and sleep. I'm grateful the job I have. It provides me with income and a reason to get up and put on makeup five days a week. But it's a never ending struggle. It suffocates me as I force my attention to something I really couldn't care less about. Adulthood doesn't impress or inspire me anymore.
It's been two weeks on the new meds yet the only thing different is the difficultly reaching orgasm. Great - another struggle to add to a list. I'm sad or numb most days and now I can't even get off?! That's just cruel. Still I wait patiently for improvement. I wait for the movement when I no longer hate myself 5 out of 7 days of the week.
I'm never entirely sure what is and isn't real. The sad me? The coping me? The skillful me? The defeated me?
Maybe there is no Me?
I fight the urge to cut, drink to oblivion, throw myself into the arms of a stranger, or leave work in the middle of the day - only to do it again the next day.
I really hate this place I'm in right now. So what do I do now?
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