In many ways I feel that logic has saved me. And it maybe that love of logic that drove me to hate it too. It has been so helpful so many times but sometimes I think it's what got me here in the first place.
In my darkest moments I consciously remind myself it's just my brain starved of neurotransmitters. I follow the logic that it's just a moment and no matter how much I hurt now, nothing is permanent. I logically explain to myself that it's just the way my brain works.
But I think I learned too fast sometimes. As a child my emotions were often ridiculed which cause me to close up and already shy personality even further. As a teen, I drew conclusion based on single event or interaction to support whatever negative opinion of myself I already held. My logic, my trusted logic - deceived me.
Today, I find that its benefits greatly outweigh anything else, even if was a significant contributor to my brain disorder. My logic helped me to control my emotions which often felt like a impossible task. It helped me to speak to and treat people with kindness when all I wanted to is scream at them. And most of all, it helped to understand and accept that I am not my diagnosis. I find just that one element helped me shed layers of hate, disgust, negativity - all pointed at me like a loaded guns.
My logic is not perfect nor flawless but as long at it guides me to the warm and happy days drenched in vitality - I will follow it.
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