Have you ever looked at your journey of recovery and though "I'm actually doing ok - I haven't done anything remarkably stupid in a while. I think I might be getting better." And just when I think I have grown - I fail completely. Two nights ago I was a complete mess. As if someone put me on an emotional roller-coaster and I just couldn't get off. But it was just anyone - it was me. I put myself in that position and I alone am responsible for the feelings that governed my mind that night. I judged myself and I compared myself to my best friend. She has been through some hard stuff in her life and recently got over the break up with her boyfriend, and yet she managed to be so happy, light, and fun. And the worst part is that the guy I really, really like - loves that about her. I trust her no to cross any lines but I can't trust anyone not to fall in love with her personality, because I did the same thing. This sharp voice in my head kept shouting "why can't you be like that", "why can't you get over it", "why would he ever want to be with you when she, and so many other girls, are so great". I couldn't turn it off. I went out for cigarette three times and I don't even smoke. The cold air on my skin hurt but it was a welcomed distraction from the horrible noise in my head. I took her drink and poured into a plastic cup. I went outside with a glass wanted to smash it into pieces and leave permanent marks on my skin. But I didn't. I walked around the block with tears creeping into my eyes. That horrible voice in my head getting quieter and quieter as my skin got colder. He, of course, noticed that I wasn't ok. I didn't want to talk about it so I just rested my head in his lap as the party was over and we were all sitting on the couch. The truth is I had many great, fun moments that night. We were making up goofy dances or trying to look as dorky as possibly. We laughed a lot but I also cried. I wished so much I didn't have that judgmental and harsh voice in my head that night or any night. He deserves better than that. I deserve better than that.
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