I wanted to start over and again. I was unhappy and intellectually bored in my home town with conversations revolving around children, their education, and garden. None of these subjects even remotely interest me. I borrowed 500 euro and set out for Dublin. The excitement of a change quickly wore off and like always, it all came crashing down on me.
I've been here for little over two weeks now. I have not managed to find a job nor keep my spirits high and positive. I share a dorm with 20 other females who aren't often respectful of the shared space and inflict their selfish behavior upon others. The bed is comfortable even if the room is stuffy with far too little fresh air. But in bed, I am terrified. I feel tightness in my chest that won't let me breath much less sleep. I feel the weigh of my shrinking wallet and the fear of sleeping on the street in few days. I feel the embarrassment of failing - yet again. I feel defeat. I feel shame for not fighting hard enough and the shame for still having hope that maybe I can fix this mess.
I learned a lot from my last attempt to build some kind of life. I spend a lot less, counted every penny, cut out everything that wasn't absolutely necessary. I walked to my interviews. I washed my clothes in the sink because I didn't want to pay 10 euros for a wash. I said no to nights out with my new friends because I wanted to look rested for my interviews and I didn't want to spend money. I went out once to a bar with live music for couple of hours and felt very proud that I didn't spend a dime. I ate pasta and noodles day after day to lower my cost. I went out to Starbucks once and I really love Starbucks. All these changes, all these wise decisions, or at least wiser than before, yet still I lose.
My interviews produced no employment opportunity. I have four days left of accommodation and 20 euros in my wallet. I don't know what will happen to me on Sunday after I check out of the hostel. I keep sending my resume for all types of roles but I can't to walk into a bar and ask if they're hiring. There is a picture of sadness and disrepair on my face with a flair for teary eyes and I'm not sure any fake smile can cover.
I was so full of determination two weeks ago. I was so hopeful. I was so...
Now the suicidal thoughts are back and I can honestly say: I don't know what's next.
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