I have always been a big flirt but when I was discovered my borderline personality disorder I also realized that it was just another one of my defense mechanism. I found it easier to flirt and feel desired by men than to just be and actually believe people might like me. I always had rather strange relationship with men. Looking back I think I just wanted to be liked, liked for me - a rather difficult task when "me" changes from one minute to the next. In my 20s I had very few relationship but as always they were lacking deep connection and longevity. I had several short flings and mostly gained friends with benefits. I love sex and I love feeling wanted and desired but none of these ever gave me what I really love - LOVE. I often fell for my friend with benefits knowing he couldn't make me happy in the long run. My foolish heart just wanted to be somebody's.
After few years of that torturous cycle I started to believe that friends with benefits was all I deserved. All I was good for was fucking because they all liked me in some way but none of them wanted me. I can't even describe the pain of that realisation. Since moving back to London I have met several great people and as usual, had several crushes. Yet, despite my gained wisdom, the same problems arose. I was flirting and had no shortage of hookup offers. But that's not what I wanted. A trusted and very wise friend, who I am lucky to call my best, mentioned that my end result is due to my own doing. To be fair boys will always want sex but my flirting wasn't helping. She was 100% right but I just didn't know any other way to be. I thought if I wasn't that then people, especially men, wouldn't want my company. I couldn't be more wrong. "Boys like to take the piss out of everything" she said. "And you can't take anything they say seriously unless you're having a heart to heart" That just might be the best advice,in regards to be men, I have ever gotten. She is super pretty, fit, and most of all she doesn't take anything seriously - and all the boys like her - the real her. So this is my plan: switching the flirty attitude for a fun attitude. Making fun of everything and everyone, including myself will not only help me be more liked for some good reason this time but also help me develop as a person by conquering my over-sensitivity issues. What could go wrong? I always admired people with fun light attitude and I want to be like that. On a good day - I am so let's practice, let's develop. Wish me luck!
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