I need a friend to talk to but no one is around. This conversation with my sister got my brain going. Even though everything i said was true and i even managed to say most of it calmly, I still feel sad that she doesn’t believe me or understand me.
I feel so lost. I think this is when normal people go and talk to their friends. I don’t have that habit but at least now I notice that I should. The problem is that the only two friends I could talk to aren’t here or close. One lives two hours away and the other one, couple of continents over, in Australia. I know that they would listen to me but I feel weird calling someone for help. I always find a million excuses:
“its Friday night so they are probably resting after a long week at work, or out friends blowing off steam” or
“they have enough problems of their own – they don’t need mine” or
“I don’t want to spoil their mood with my feelings”
I love them both but i’m also convinced that I don’t deserve them or their time. After all i’m just a pile of Borderline mess that destroys everything in my life, is a burden to others both financially and emotionally, and i’m not worth fixing even if that where possible. So no, I can’t bring myself to picking up a phone. I’ll pick up a bottle of vodka instead and feel the artificial happiness flowing through my veins. Even if just for a minute.
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