Does acceptance seem like settling for you? It does for me. If I accept something - it become terrifyingly real. It becomes permanent. For a very long time acceptance was equivalent to helplessness in my head. For a long time, it was equivalent to defeat. And no one wants to be helpless and defeated. Acceptance became another thing I was fighting.
But then I realized, all those things I accepted: the time, the gravity, the universe with all its know and unknown laws, and that the only thing that is truly permanent is change. Why is it so hard to accept that I have a brain disorder and believe at the same time that acceptance doesn't constitute its permanence? Nothing is permanent. But I find that it is much more difficult to accept things I judge as negative than those I view as positive or neutral.
So maybe, just maybe if I saw my Borderline personality disorder as neutral - something that just exists like the universe - I could accept it. After all, BDP is neutral. It's something that my brain developed, much like any organ would with too much or too little of what it needs. So why is the brain "in my brain" so different?
Following the logic made emotions and feelings about my condition obsolete. I no longer feel positive or negative about it. Borderline affects on my life can be positive or negative but most of them change constantly depending on the perspective. Borderline just is. I just have it. There is no hate or love about it. It just is.
Seasons change and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about. But I have choice to moan about the winter or go outside and build a snowman. It won't make be a winter lover, but I just might have a moment of fun.
I accept what I have and it doesn't make me who I am.
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