My mood changes faster than a speed of light. I'm not joking. I can go through twenty trips up and down the mood scale. One minute I'm happy-ish, determined to make things work, hopeful and focused, and the next I'm really considering suicide as valuable option. Who does that?
The spontaneous changes in my mood are nothing new but I have grown tired of it. Sometime it's an outside result of whatever I was trying to accomplish that shuts me down, other times it's the lack of any change. I just can't win with my mind. Mindfulness has taught me a lot and greatly improved my observational skills. Acceptance sometimes helps me calm the most extreme and violent of moods but it's still so far away from "normal". I am a forever teenager.
I rarely act out and drag the whole world into my internal drama. I don't drive recklessly, drink to excess or engage in pursuing one night stands. I don't spend money because I don't have it and over eat because that's expensive. I might not act out my impulses and have greater ability to recognize them, but I'm still screaming inside. Most of my dangerous behavior is gone but it's not because I have developed skills to deal with them but because of my circumstance.
It is a very dangerous even if safer for a little while.
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